3 things that cause a breakdown in a relationship which I wish I had known earlier. I am currently reading the book, The 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. Boy do I wish that I had been given this book at the start of my dating career. I don’t know if I would have appreciated it or understood it then as often our maturity comes through life experiences. But now it makes absolute sense. Communication is at the core of every relationship. So if you can learn to speak the love language of your partner, it will not only earn you brownie points but it will lend to a more healthier relationship. Before we get to what’s best for your partner, lets look at what’s best for you!
The three things that cause a breakdown in a relationship
1. Letting go of yourself and your interests
It could be the fact that when you are single you have so much more time and money at your disposal that you look after your appearance and engage in activities that interest you. You sign up for bootcamp or kickboxing classes or you take up dancing or painting to meet new people and to explore your interests. You make time for these activities because they excite and challenge you. It also gives you something to talk about when amongst friends. You take care of your appearance on the off chance that you may bump into ‘the one’. Of course when you do eventually meet this incredible person, you maintain these things that are important to you. It forms part of your identity and it holds value in your life. It’s also what attracted your partner to you in the first place.
When the deep commitment is made, is when things start to change, when you start to change. For me that point was upon having my first baby and choosing to become a stay at home mom. When my husband had first met me, I was working in a corporate position. So every morning I would pride myself on my appearance. Hair and make up done, smart clothes and high heeled shoes. Every morning without fail, my husband would take pictures of me before I would leave for work. After work I would attend my adventure bootcamp class, go to gym or meet friends for dinner or drinks before going home .
Dressing up every day and socializing makes me incredibly happy, even to this day. When baby came, my husband would leave me in my pajamas and come home to me in my pajamas. When I wasn’t in my pjs I was in joggers. I had let go of ‘me’ and failed to put in the effort in my appearance or continuing with the activities I enjoyed.
This is what happens when we find ourselves in our comfort zone. We let go of ourselves and all the activities that were of interest to us and made us happy. With that also disappears the friendships or associations attached or made through that activity. When you let go of you and your purpose, you lose a part of your self, your identity and independence. You also lose a part of what added to your desirability.
2. Lack of healthy communication.
Do you remember those days where you couldn’t get enough of each other. You would be texting all day, sending cute memes and then talk for hours on the phone before bed? Not much of what that person said offended you and if it did you spoke about it and it would be resolved.
Then as you begin to spend more time together and life starts to get in the way along with increasing responsibilities, making time to connect isn’t always a priority. It doesn’t help that the phone, in fact all forms of technology prevents uninterrupted focused communication.
Here are some ways that poor communication can affect a relationship:
- Becoming disconnected from one another
- Resentment towards one another
- Focusing on the negative words, statements and aspects of the relationship
- Lack of security and safety in the relationship if you are using your partners insecurities in their time of vulnerability
- Developing a toxic relationship
- Missing opportunities to share important moments and feelings
A lack of communication can happen in all relationships, if ignored and undealt with, it can lead to bigger issues for couples. Choosing therapy.com shares this in their article https://www.choosingtherapy.com/lack-of-communication-in-a-relationship/
A massive reason that often causes a breakdown in communication in a relationship is where there is an imbalance in the relationship. Where one partner perceives themselves to be ‘less than’ the other. Which brings me to my third point…
Not practicing self-love and self-awareness
At a seminar I went to the speaker said, “Never sacrifice yourself! Every time you inflate them, you lose yourself!” This is the law of contrast. If you exaggerate someone and make them your priority, you in turn minimize you. So at this point you then start to live in their values. Any areas in your life that you don’t empower within yourself, someone else will do it for you.
Making sure that you maintain your value system and live in alignment to them is vitally important to your overall well-being. Coupled with this is ensuring that you also ensure that you maintain a positive perception of yourself. How you perceive yourself is what you project on to those around you. So if you are feeling unfilled and unhappy within yourself, you will inevitably bring this into your relationship. Practicing Self-love and self-awareness allows you to ensure that you are constantly mindful of your thoughts, emotions and therefore your reactions and behavior. You work on yourself to let go of your past hurts and traumas that you can see still have an impact on your life. To ensure you are not bringing the baggage of the past into your life and that of your relationship.
In my 14 hour Life Transformation Journey you get to uncover and deal with the negative experiences, memories and beliefs of the past and focus on the life you wish to create in your future.
Carve out time in your day to work on yourself. To meditate, journal, exercise, practice affirmations or see someone you feel comfortable to talk to.
Learn your partner’s Love Language
In the book the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman, it speaks about the various ways that you can communicate with your partner that resonates with them the most. It’s important to note that you will probably feel like all apply, and it could, but one will stand above the rest. The other point is that you mustn’t choose to do for your partner what you wish them to do unto you. Take note of what their needs are and speak to them in their language. I’m not going to go into detail, you should read the book. It is rather insightful.
The five languages are:
- Words of affirmation – where you affirm your partner by highlighting all the amazing things they do for you and others. What you like and value about them. What they mean to you.
- Quality Time – Is where you dedicate uninterrupted time to your partner. You plan an outing, set aside 30mins where you listen to them about their day and share yours (with no devices), you go for a walk or watch a movie together.
- Acts of Service – Where you do physical things that you know will make their life easier. So things like mowing the lawn, washing the car, cooking a meal after their long day or helping with the dishes after dinner.
- Receiving of gifts – This one speaks for itself. If your partner gets excited by gift giving then you making an effort to surprise them with a bunch of flowers and jewelry or a piece of new sporting equipment will make them feel more loved
- Physical touch – Every man will probably be inclined to say this is his! Perhaps some woman too! Sexual intimacy is important in a relationship but a person that values physical touch will also like to hold hands, stroke or caress their partner.
We learn a lot from being in a relationship. But having a deep sense of who you are before you get into a relationship is also vital. Maintaining your values and confidence whilst in, allows for better communication and deeper sense of respect for each other.
Trisha Poona, True North Life Coaching